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Reclaiming financial confidence after divorce

Ending a marriage or a long-term de facto relationship is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. The emotional exhaustion is immense, but for many, the financial aftermath feels just as daunting—a heavy cloud hanging over the start of our new life.

One of the most powerful steps you can take to reclaim your independence and confidence is finding a new financial advisor.

For many women, your previous advisor likely had a relationship with your ex-partner (or both of you as a couple). That relationship, as it was, is now over. That means your financial future should be mapped out by someone who is 100% focused on you and your new goals. It’s time for a clean break and a fresh start.

Why this step is non-negotiable: The hard truth

Starting over is never easy, but the statistics in Australia paint a sobering picture of the challenges women face post-separation. This isn’t about fear; it’s about facts that highlight why getting professional support is crucial.

The financial shock

Research shows that for women, separation is a major financial shock:

  • Income Decline: On average, an Australian woman’s household income drops by a staggering 21 to 30 per cent after separation. Meanwhile, men, on average, experience only a small 5% dip before recovering quickly.
  • Poverty Risk: For women, the risk of falling into poverty more than doubles in the first year after a breakup, especially if you have children.

The superannuation scramble (the gender super gap)

For many women, taking time out for caring responsibilities, working part-time, or experiencing the gender pay gap means our retirement savings are already behind. Separation only compounds this long-term risk.

  • The gap: Women aged 60-64 (approaching retirement) have a median superannuation balance that is about 25% lower than men of the same age. You can read more about The women’s superannuation gap and what you need to know here. 
  • The lifetime impact: Years spent out of the paid workforce mean missed compulsory super contributions and a loss of decades of compounding interest—money we can never earn back.

We live longer than men, which means we need our money to stretch further, yet we retire with less. This is why having an advisor who can focus on closing that gap for you is so vital.

Your plan of attack: practical steps to financial clarity

Your circumstances have changed, and your financial strategy must change with them. Here’s a checklist for rebuilding your financial life.

1. Find a new Financial Advisor (the ethical clean break)

Beyond comfort, you must seek a different advisor and business from your ex-partner. An advisor simply cannot act in the best interests of both parties after separation. They need to be singularly focused on your unique needs, whether that’s a new cashflow strategy, managing a property settlement lump sum, or working to boost your super.

2. Review your insurance policies

With the loss of a partner’s income, your single income is your most valuable asset.

  • Income Protection and Life Insurance need to be reviewed to ensure your income (and your children’s future) is protected.
  • Update Beneficiaries immediately on all policies and super accounts. This is a non-negotiable must-do!

3. Update your wills and estate plans

Your new legal status means your old Will and Powers of Attorney are likely invalid or completely inappropriate for your situation. Get a new Will and Power of Attorney drafted to reflect your wishes for your assets and care.

4. Reassess superannuation strategy

Whether you received a super split or not, your super needs your attention. An advisor can help you understand the impact of your split, check your beneficiary nominations, and implement a strategy that aligns with your risk tolerance and time to retirement.

5. Cashflow management & budgeting

Moving from a dual income to a single income requires a realistic plan. A trusted advisor can use their technical expertise and technology to map out your new cashflow, helping you transition to your new financial reality with confidence, not panic.

A final thought: you don’t have to go it alone

If finances aren’t your strength—it’s okay! Seriously, it is. For years, we were often told it was ‘his job’ or we were just too busy raising kids to worry about it.

But now is your time to step forward with financial confidence. This process isn’t about becoming a financial expert overnight; it’s about making a clear decision to surround yourself with experts who can provide the support you need.

Switching advisors isn’t just a practical move—it’s a symbolic one. It’s you choosing independence, clarity, and control over your own destiny. You deserve to feel secure in your new beginning.

If you’d like to meet with a financial advisor, consider a session with Oakmont Financial Group. They understand that rebuilding takes courage and clear guidance. As a trusted partner of The Separation Guide, Sarah O’Sullivan specialises in working with women post-separation to create a secure, confident financial future. If you would like a 30-minute consultation with Sarah at no expense, please click the link below.

Sarah O’Sullivan – Financial Advisor
Oakmont Financial Group

BOOK A FREE MEETING


So, take a deep breath, trust your instincts, and embrace the journey. Your new path, built with careful planning, can lead you to a future filled with financial security and, more importantly, the freedom to truly live your life.

 

The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.

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Property Equity Release


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How to navigate separation in the workplace

Separation and divorce are deeply personal experiences. But their impact often extends into the workplace. Employees navigating these life changes may face emotional stress, financial strain, and disruptions to their daily routines, all of which can affect their performance and wellbeing at work.

For employers and colleagues, this presents an opportunity: To support, to soften the landing, and in some cases, to be part of a person’s pathway to safety.

In our podcast with White Ribbon Australia Acting Director Dean Cooper, he explained the essential role the workplace plays in helping individuals through separation – especially in instances of family violence and abuse: “Workplaces play a critical role in creating safety. If you’re like me, and like many others, you spend most of your time there. They absolutely should be sanctuaries.”

For employees: You’re not alone

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, it’s important to know that support may be available through your workplace. Depending on your situation and employer, this support could include:

  • Paid family and domestic violence leave: Under the National Employment Standards, you are entitled to 10 days of paid leave to manage issues related to family and domestic violence. This includes full-time, part-time and casual employees.
  • Flexible work arrangements: Adjustments to your work schedule or location can help you attend court appointments, manage new parenting responsibilities, or take care of your well-being.
  • Advance pay or crisis support: Some workplaces offer early access to pay or emergency assistance for essentials like accommodation and groceries.
  • Confidential counselling: Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) often provide access to free, confidential counselling services.

“We’ve worked with teams where people and culture have supermarket vouchers, hotel vouchers, or access to early pay for staff who need to get out today. These things matter,” Dean Cooper, White Ribbon Australia.

Remember, you don’t have to disclose everything. A confidential conversation with HR or a trusted manager can open doors to resources you might not have known were available.

For employers: Creating a supportive workplace culture

Even in the most respectful separations, employees may be distracted, grieving, or overwhelmed. In cases involving family violence or coercive control, these challenges are magnified.

Here’s how employers can help:

  • Foster psychological safety: Employees will only disclose what they’re going through if they believe they’ll be met with empathy, not judgment. Encourage leaders to use compassionate language, make support services visible and accessible, and create an environment where employees feel safe to speak up.

    “We don’t mark ourselves as safe people by using sexist jokes or victim-blaming language. We do it by being ready for the conversation when someone says, ‘I’m not okay.’” Dean Cooper, White Ribbon Australia.

  • Implement supportive policies: Review your family and domestic violence policies and procedures. Ensure they are flexible, trauma-informed, and confidential. Managers should be trained to apply these policies with care.
  • Enhance your EAP with targeted support: Consider integrating resources like The Separation Guide into your Employee Assistance Program. This platform offers step-by-step guidance through separation, connecting employees with legal, financial, and emotional support.

    Data shows that adding The Separation Guide to your EAP can improve employee wellbeing and workplace performance, as explained by one client testimonial: “This service is brilliant, it’s exactly what is needed at my organisation. I’ve seen the ripple effect of relationship breakdown hit my team and it is brutal,” John, Manager.

The Separation Guide workplace solutions

The financial impact of separation on the workplace

Separation and divorce don’t just affect personal lives, the impact also ripples through the workplace, impacting productivity, morale, and overall business health.

It’s estimated that the cost of separation and divorce to Australian employers is on average $210,000 per separating employee per year, translating to a staggering $35 billion per year across all Australian businesses.

These costs stem from lost productivity, absenteeism, and even attrition, where research showed it doubled for those who did not receive the right support.

The stress of dealing with separation impacts employees’ ability to concentrate and make decisions at work, and they may need to take time off to meet with professionals such as lawyers. In some cases, the stress of separation even causes employees to leave their jobs, incurring high costs for employers to replace them.

If you’d like to find out how to better support your employees facing separation and divorce, get in touch.

For colleagues: Being there makes a difference

You don’t need to be a counsellor to be supportive. If someone opens up to you:

  • Listen without trying to fix: Offer a listening ear without offering unsolicited advice.
  • Show empathy: Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and express understanding.
  • Respect privacy: Allow colleagues to share information at their own pace and comfort level.

“You can support someone with just two things: ‘Tell me more’ and ‘That sounds like it’s been really hard.’ It doesn’t take a psychology degree to show up for someone.” Dean Cooper, White Ribbon Australia

Listen to podcast episode 27

Why it matters

Separation affects more than the couple involved. Children, extended families, and workplaces feel the ripple effects. Creating a culture of empathy, flexibility, and accountability isn’t just the right thing to do; it’s also good business.

Communicare’s Counselling Services Coordinator Zoe Hughes featured alongside Dean in our latest podcast, explaining: “This isn’t someone else’s issue. It affects your colleagues, your friends, your teams. We need to stop thinking it can’t happen here – it is happening.”

Need help?

If you or someone you know is navigating separation or abuse, support is available at 1800 RESPECT: 24/7 counselling and safety planning, or contact 000 in an emergency.

The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.

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It takes a village: Building a support network after separation


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Support Hub Frequently Asked Questions

Your Support Hub is your central location for practical support during your separation, with personalised plans, checklists, tips, educational resources and connection to ethical professionals.

We’ve built it to give you some clarity during a difficult time.

Take the Q&A to receive access to your tailored Support Hub.

We’ve recently updated the way that you can login to your Support Hub – if you’re having any difficulties, we’ve collated some frequently asked questions to help you out:

What’s changing with how I login?

We’re moving to Social Sign-In (SSI), which means you’ll now be able to login using your Google, Microsoft or Facebook accounts, or email. This is more secure, faster, and removes the need to remember another password.

Do I need to create a new account?

No. If you use the same email with Google, Microsoft or Facebook that you used with us, you’ll access your existing account – nothing changes except how you login.

What if I don’t use Google, Microsoft or Facebook?

You can still login using your email – or, contact our team for support. We’re here to help.

Can you walk me through what the new login will look like? 

  1. Go to the Home Page and click “Login” in the top right.
  2. Click on your referred platform, or alternatively login with email.
  3. If you choose a social platform, you’ll be prompted to login with your account details.
  4. If you choose to login via your email, a link will be sent to you from which you can login directly.

 

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Separation and men's mental health


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Separation and men’s mental health

Separation or divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a person can face. But for many men, it’s one of the least spoken about. Whether it’s the grief of lost family connection, financial pressure, a disrupted identity, or social isolation, the toll is heavy. Yet men are still more likely to bottle up their pain than speak openly about it.

This Men’s Health Week, we’re turning our focus to men — not just to highlight the challenges they face, but to share support, accountability and hope.

Statistically, women are usually more likely to initiate separation and divorce, which can leave men feeling blindsided, hurt, shocked, angry and scared.

If you’ve had these thoughts during your separation – you’re not alone:

  • “She wants this, not me.”
  • “She says I’m not the primary carer does that mean I won’t see my kids?”
  • “I’ve worked so hard for this family and now half of it’s walking out the door.”
  • “She’s saying I’ve been financially abusive. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”
  • “She wants me to move out. Do I have to go?”
  • “She’s ready to tell the kids. I’m not.”

These aren’t just questions, they’re the quiet thoughts and fears many men carry alone through separation. And that’s exactly why we need to talk about them, especially during Men’s Health Week from June 9-15.

The emotional toll of separation

While separation affects everyone differently, it often hits men in ways that go unspoken:

  • Sudden loss of parenting time
  • Fear of losing connection with their kids
  • Changes to daily identity and routine
  • Financial stress and housing instability
  • Social isolation or losing mutual friendships
  • A fear of being judged, dismissed or not taken seriously

Many men struggle to open up or ask for help. Not because they don’t want to, but because they feel they need to be strong, stoic, and just get on with it. But bottling it up doesn’t make the stress go away. It just makes it heavier.

Men’s mental health in numbers

  • 1 in 8 men in Australia experience depression
  • 1 in 5 men will experience anxiety
  • Men make up over 75% of suicide deaths
  • Separation and loss of family connection are key risk factors
  • 1 in 16 men experience some form of family and domestic violence or abuse

Our podcast episode 25: Separation Support for Men explores how societal expectations – to stay strong, fix things, hold it together – often leave men unsupported, especially when going through loss.

In this episode, Separation Consultant Arabella Feltham explains: “Men are told to push through, to provide, to stay stoic. But separation can shake all of that — and many don’t know where to turn.”

This is not just about emotions, it’s about health, safety and having the tools to move forward without falling apart.

Listen to podcast episode 25

When you’re not ready, but it’s happening anyway

Maybe you didn’t choose to separate. Maybe you’re not ready to tell the kids. Maybe you’re being told things you don’t understand, like “you’re not the primary carer” or “you’ve been controlling with money.” It’s a lot to process.

At The Separation Guide, we often hear from men who feel like they’ve lost their footing entirely – unsure about what’s fair, what’s legal, or what’s next.

“For men, what we see is that they fall quite quickly into that sadness space where they feel that this is happening to them and that they have no control over that,” Arabella says. “But they do have choices – they have a choice to de-escalate, to focus on the children, to try and make this process as smooth as possible. Those are things that they can control every day.”

You can talk confidentially to a Separation Consultant or access a referral to legal and emotional support through our network.

Talk to a Separation Consultant

What if you’re being accused of abuse, but you don’t see it that way?

It’s confronting to hear that your behaviour has hurt someone you care about, especially if you didn’t intend to. But sometimes, abuse doesn’t look the way we think it does. It’s not always shouting or hitting. It can be:

  • Controlling money
  • Dismissing someone’s feelings
  • Shutting down conversations
  • Using silence or anger to get your way

These behaviours don’t necessarily equal a bad person. If these behaviours have been present in your relationship from either of you, it often means there’s room to look deeper and there’s support to help you do that.

In podcast episode 27: Domestic and Family Violence in Separation with White Ribbon Australia, Acting Director Dean Cooper explains: “We’re not here to shame. We’re here to help men recognise patterns and create real change – for themselves, and for their families.”

Listen to podcast episode 27

Men experience abuse too

Not all abuse is physical, and not all victims are women. Some men experience coercion, emotional abuse or control, but are statistically less likely to speak up.

“There are men in abusive relationships – emotionally, financially, even physically – but they rarely speak up. There’s shame, fear they won’t be believed, or that they’ll be seen as weak,” said Dean in our podcast.

These men often face:

  • Isolation
  • Stigma from peers
  • Lack of tailored services
  • Hesitation to report abuse, especially if children are involved

“Most men I’ve spoken to that have been victims of violence in their relationship or from their parents and family, see services like MensLine as a break glass in case of an emergency situation” Dean explains in the podcast.

“When everything is falling apart, when they’re no longer safe to be in the home, they can’t stand it anymore. Then they call MensLine.”

“We could do it much earlier. You can get that validation that you’re looking for. You might not get it from your friends and your footy mates or wherever it might be that you hang out, but you absolutely will get it from these help lines that we’re privileged enough to have access to in this country. I’d really encourage you to call them and to get that advice.”

If this is your experience, please know: it’s valid. And there is help. You can speak to a professional, reach out to 1800RESPECT, or MensLine Australia.

You’re not weak: You’re human.

If you’re in the throes of separation and divorce, feeling grief, confusion, anger or fear doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human.

And if you’re ready to ask for help, as a partner, a co-parent, or just for yourself, that’s something to be proud of. Support doesn’t always look like therapy. Sometimes it’s just a conversation. A plan. A safe place to ask the questions you can’t ask anywhere else.

At The Separation Guide, we offer tools that support men without judgment, including:

  • SepGuide™ Plan provides practical next steps tailored to your situation
  • Access to trauma-aware legal, emotional and financial professionals
  • Free podcast and blog resources to hear from experts and others who’ve walked the path

We’re here when you’re ready.

Book a confidential consultation

The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.

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What is coercive control? And why it’s so dangerous in separation

 Sad character with a broken heart in a break up


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What is coercive control? And why it’s so dangerous in separation

When we think of domestic abuse, we often picture physical violence. But some of the most damaging forms of abuse leave no bruises. Coercive control is one of them and it’s increasingly being recognised for the serious, often life-threatening harm it can cause.

In Queensland, coercive control has now been made a criminal offence (as of 26 May 2025), joining New South Wales in recognising this pattern of behaviour as a core form of family violence.

But for many people going through separation, the signs of coercive control can be hard to identify, especially when there’s no physical violence involved.

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviours that can include:

  • Isolation from family and friends.
  • Monitoring your movements, communication or spending.
  • Gaslighting or emotional manipulation.
  • Controlling access to money or information.
  • Threats (including threats to take the children, self-harm, or ruin you financially).
  • Constant criticism or degradation.
  • Making you feel unsafe, even without raising a hand.

It’s about one person maintaining power and control over another — often subtly, and over time. And it’s particularly dangerous because it can escalate rapidly during periods of stress, like separation.

Why coercive control is so dangerous in separation

Separation doesn’t always end the abuse – in fact, it can make it worse. Research shows that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when a victim survivor tries to leave.

In our recent podcast with Dean Cooper and Zoe Hughes from White Ribbon Australia, we explored the dynamics of coercive control in separation. As Dean shared, many victim survivors don’t identify what they’re experiencing as “abuse” – they simply feel trapped, overwhelmed or deeply afraid of the consequences of leaving.

Zoe is a passionate social worker and fierce advocate for children, families and victim survivors of domestic violence. As Coordinator of Counselling Services at Communicare, she says that coercive control is one of the most common indicators of family and domestic violence. She defines this as “any type of behaviour which scares, hurts, isolates, humiliates, or monitors someone.”

“If you feel that another person is taking away your freedom or unreasonably controlling you, then it’s fair to say that we could be in a family or domestic violent relationship,” she said.

“(Other) examples include being isolated from your friends and family, being controlled about what you can eat, what you can wear, or who you can spend time with. Preventing you from accessing support or work or education, gaslighting behaviours or monitoring behaviours. If there’s any of these behaviours that just don’t seem healthy, then that’s a good indication that something isn’t okay here.”

Listen to the podcast

Arabella Feltham, a Separation Consultant with The Separation Guide said: “We often see people who are financially entangled, emotionally manipulated, or being worn down by threats and intimidation. They come to us not even knowing what they’re dealing with has a name — let alone that there’s help available.”

Recognising the red flags

If you’re considering separation and some of the behaviours above sound familiar, you’re not alone – and you’re not overreacting. Trust your gut. Abuse thrives in silence and confusion.
Ask yourself:

  • Do I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells?
  • Do I have access to my own money, information and choices?
  • Has my partner isolated me from friends, work or support?
  • Am I scared of what might happen if I try to leave?

What you can do

If you’re experiencing coercive control or think you might be, here are some steps to take:

  • Document behaviours safely: Keep notes in a secure place if it’s safe to do so.
  • Reach out to a professional: Professionals who understand abuse dynamics can make a world of difference.
  • Use tools designed to empower, not overwhelm: Our SepGuide™ Plan can help you map out safe next steps.
  • Consider safe, private support apps like Dispute Buddy, available free with the code FREETSG until June 30, 2025
  • Most importantly, if you feel unsafe, contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) — available 24/7.

Why this matters

Coercive control isn’t just “toxic behaviour.” It’s abuse. And when it goes unrecognised, it can escalate – emotionally, financially, and in some cases, fatally.

We launched the #ICareAboutConflict campaign to shine a light on these issues – and to get real, practical support into the hands of those who need it most.

If you or someone you know is navigating separation and unsure about what’s normal, what’s legal, or what’s safe – know this: There is a way forward. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Book a confidential consultation

The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.

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Supporting a friend who is experiencing violence or abuse


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Protect yourself against financial abuse in separation

May marks Family and Domestic Violence Prevention Month – a time to shed light not only on the more visible forms of abuse, but also on those that are harder to spot but just as devastating. One of the most pervasive, yet often hidden, forms is financial abuse.

Alarmingly, 90% of domestic violence cases in Australia involve financial abuse​. This abuse doesn’t always end when the relationship does.

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is any behaviour that controls a person’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain economic resources. It can include tactics like withholding access to bank accounts, preventing someone from working, or crucially during separation – hiding assets or superannuation to disadvantage the other party.

In Australia, knowingly not disclosing financial information such as superannuation balances during separation proceedings is not just unethical – it’s a form of financial abuse

During separation, it often escalates to:

  • Hiding assets or income, including superannuation.
  • Deliberately delaying financial settlements.
  • Manipulating child support payments to exert control.

Such tactics can leave victims, predominantly women, in precarious financial situations long after the relationship has ended.

The prevalence of financial abuse in Australia

Recent Australian Bureau of Statistics data revealed that:

  • 16.3% of Australian women have experienced economic abuse by a current or former partner, showing little improvement from 15.7% in 2012.
  • 80% of women report that their ex-partner replaced physical abuse with financial abuse via child support as a means of control post-separation.
  • The economic cost of financial abuse in Australia was estimated at $5.7 billion annually in 2020.

The super gap: A crisis for separated women

Australian women retire, on average, with 28% less superannuation than men​. For separated and divorced women, that gap widens to 113%​.

Separation often worsens financial insecurity, particularly for women who were primary caregivers – making superannuation splitting a critical, but often overlooked, part of a fair settlement. In fact, women over the age of 55 are the fastest growing group of homeless Australians, eight times more likely to experience homelessness than their male counterparts​.

Yet, many women don’t bring their partner’s superannuation into the asset pool during separation​ either because they don’t know they can, or because financial information has been withheld.

Why super matters in separation

Superannuation is treated as property under the Family Law Act 1975, meaning it must be disclosed and can be divided during separation. Despite this, misinformation and non-disclosure are common, leaving one party, usually women, significantly disadvantaged for life.

In our latest podcast, The Separation Guide CEO Angela Harbinson speaks with Tap the Gap CEO Lucy Kough about the importance of superannuation in separation and how we can help close the 113% super gap for separated and divorced women.

Listen to the podcast

Important facts separating couples should know:

  • Super is 100% your money and it’s critical to ensure all super balances are disclosed during separation​.
  • Splitting super is often not 50/50. Courts take into account caregiving responsibilities and future needs, not just existing balances​.
  • Without legal support, it’s easy to miss entitlements and risk long-term financial hardship.

Breaking the cycle: How to protect yourself

  • Get legal advice early. Only a lawyer or legally qualified mediator can advise you on what’s fair and help make super splitting legally binding.
  • Demand full financial disclosure. Hidden assets and superannuation must be identified for a fair division.
  • Understand your rights. Tools like Tap the Gap help empower women to check their super balance, understand their entitlements, and act to close their gap​.
  • Prioritise super in settlements. It’s tempting to focus only on immediate needs like housing – but you can’t eat your house later. Super provides essential income in retirement.

Ending financial abuse starts with awareness

Financial abuse thrives in silence and confusion. By educating ourselves and each other, we can dismantle the structures that allow it to continue – during relationships and long after they end.

Financial abuse doesn’t always cease with separation. It can persist through:

  • Coerced debts: Victims may be forced to take on debts they didn’t incur.
  • Manipulation of child support: Abusers may withhold payments or use them as leverage.
  • Legal harassment: Prolonged legal battles can drain victims financially and emotionally.

These tactics can lead to homelessness, bankruptcy, and a cycle of poverty that’s difficult to escape.

This Family and Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let’s bring financial abuse out of the shadows and ensure every Australian has the knowledge and support to protect their future.

If you suspect you may be experiencing financial abuse, book a support call now.

Book a confidential consultation

The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.

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Guided Mediation: A pathway to resolution without court


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Real Estate

Separation and divorce are big and stressful life events. If you have to sell a property as part of your separation journey, that stress can be amplified – but you don’t have to go through it alone.

Engaging the right real estate agent can make all the difference. They’re not only impartial, but you can use their property knowledge to streamline the home selling process to take some of the stress away.

When should I use a real estate agent?

Not every couple who separates sells their owned property right away. One partner may wish to ‘buy out’ the other to take on the mortgage and property as their own, or they may decide that one partner can stay in the home until a sale is finalised. However, what’s important is that you meet with a mediator and/or lawyer before you decide to sell to get the right advice for your circumstances.

How can a real estate agent help?

Experienced support Top real estate agents are empathetic and experienced in working with couples who are going through a separation. They can work with both parties equally and get a property sold quickly if that’s what’s needed.

Property appraisal Agent Select offers property estimates based on growth trends and local rental data. This service is free and is a valuable piece of information for your separation journey.

Streamlined process An experienced real estate agent can guide you through the process of selling your home, step-by-step. They can prepare you for what’s to come – both literally and emotionally – before, during and after the property is sold.

Type of sale A real estate agent can recommend the best type of sale depending on your circumstances. They can advise on whether an auction or private sale is the right option and what to expect in each instance.

Marketing Working with an agent who understands the local market  can give you insights into the best ways to market your property for sale.

Home upgrades Not only can a top agent tell you what upgrades to consider for adding value to your asking price, they can also organise the right tradespeople to get the job done for you.

Meet Agent Select – the real estate agent recommended platform

Agent Select connects you to top performing real estate agents in your local area to sell your property. It’s a 100% free, independent and unbiased searchable platform that gives you transparent insights into commissions and fees to expect when selling your home. You can compare three different agents to see the fees, commissions and the suggested sale price to determine which option may be best for you. Most importantly, Agent Select knows that a separation is a stressful time so they add that layer of empathy when selecting the best agents to compare.

Agent Select also offers a free property appraisal so you can see how much your home is worth and learn important information about the local market. Get access to their national database of 40,000+ licensed real estate agents to find the support you need to navigate your property sale with confidence and less stress.

BOOK A CALL WITH AGENT SELECT

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Legal fee review


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Preparing to have the discussion: how to tell your spouse you want to separate

For some, the decision to separate comes quickly. For others, deciding that a relationship is over can take years. But no one takes it lightly. Telling your partner that you want to separate is never easy. We understand this is a tough conversation, and people usually don’t know where to begin. Our Separation Support Consultant, Arabella Feltham, speaks to people every day who are making this decision. Here is her advice.

If you’ve decided that you’re ready, you can do some things to prepare for a conversation that focuses on safe, calm communication. Here are some key considerations and practical steps you can take to have this conversation.

How do I stay safe when I tell my partner I want to separate?

If you or your children are experiencing family violence, we recommend that you do not discuss separation with your partner without seeking professional support first. Please read our blog, Separation when there is family violence.

Your safety during this discussion is essential. If things could become dangerous, have a support person with you when discussing separation. Even if you think your partner won’t become physically violent, verbal or emotional abuse is not okay. A support person can help to de-escalate the situation just by being there.

How do I tell my partner I want to separate?

It’s important to express yourself clearly and simply. Think it through and practice what you are going to say.

Frame up your reasons around ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’. Use direct but kind language, and keep your sentences short. If you are writing a script to support yourself, use dot points to help keep your messaging clear. Avoid starting sentences with ‘I think’, for example, ‘I think maybe I would like to separate.’ Instead, use ‘I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I want to separate’.

Remember that during this first discussion, you are not trying to litigate the past; you are trying to help your partner understand that you want to separate and your relationship is over.

How will my partner react to separation?

Different people may react to this news in different ways. Finding out your relationship is over can be very stressful and may cause a fight-or-flight response, manifesting in several ways. Anticipating a few possible reactions from your partner can help you prepare.

  • Some people respond with anger, especially if they feel cornered or attacked. As mentioned earlier, having a support person present can help if you are worried about this reaction. Your partner may use inflammatory language and say nasty things because they are hurt. Although it is not very nice to hear, try not to take what they say to heart and understand that this may not be how they approach the entire process. It may just be today’s reaction.
  • Your partner may want to leave home immediately, and you should prepare for this possible outcome.
  • Another reaction is denial. When you eventually break the news, you may have already moved through many of the emotions of separation. But if separation comes as a surprise, your partner may simply refuse to engage with your decision. Be prepared for your partner to be at a different emotional stage from you, and have patience.
  • Another possibility is that your partner may agree with your decision. Many instigators of separation say that they prepare for a bad reaction. Instead, their partner agrees it’s the right thing to do. While it’s positive to both be on the same page, it can be surprisingly hurtful if your partner also wants to separate. Be prepared for your emotional response if this is the case.

Would you like to speak with Arabella?

In a Separation Support session, you can talk through your unique situation with an impartial separation expert who can help you navigate the immediate practical next steps of your separation.

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What if my spouse wants to try again?

What are your longer-term intentions? Do you think a break can help repair your relationship, or have you decided to move on permanently?

You may only know the answer after you have the discussion. But if your decision to separate is final, ensure you don’t give your partner false hope. If they suggest trying marriage counselling or a trial separation, be clear that it’s not an option.

Do I need to know what will happen next?

If safety is a consideration, you may need to plan your separation carefully before you talk to your spouse and have a clear plan about your next steps. Organisations like 1800Respect are there to assist you with safety planning.

If you don’t have any safety concerns, you don’t need to decide anything right now

Have you been thinking about separation for a while? Maybe you’ve already considered the practical aspects of how your separation could work. You may have completed our Q&A to investigate which separation pathway would suit you or you may have already sought professional support.

Bombarding your partner with plans for life after separation might be too much the first time you discuss separation.

Separating is a process that takes months to finalise and shouldn’t be rushed. You may find that you go through four or five negotiation phases before finalising an agreement on living arrangements, parenting plans and financial separation. There will be time to decide the specifics.

If you’re both ready, the discussion might be a chance to chat about short-term options. If your partner isn’t expecting the discussion, give them time to digest the news.

What should I do immediately after the discussion?

It is a good idea to get some space after you’ve told your partner you want to separate. It is a good idea to plan for some time apart afterwards, This can be an emotional conversation, especially if your partner is not expecting it.

If you are the initiator, you may have had a long time to think about this before you decided to take action. Your partner may need some time before coming to the same realisation. Have a night apart to let the conversation sink in.

What do I need to consider if we have children? 

Separation is an issue between adults and should be handled by adults.

Having the discussion can take some time. You want to let the conversation progress naturally and avoid rushing. To remove your children from the situation, organise for them to attend a sleepover with a trusted family member or friend. This way, the two of you can decide together when and how you will tell them and control the narrative to the children, ensuring they feel loved and supported.

Discuss your separation with your children when you are both ready. Listen to our podcast for some more information on helping your children through separation.

How can I prepare myself for the discussion?

When you’re getting ready, you might feel trepidation about the discussion and your partner’s response. You’re probably also worried about the reaction of your children, extended family and friends.

But what about your own reaction?

You may have accepted that your relationship is beyond repair and are ready to move forward. But as the reality of breaking up and living apart sets in, it’s natural to take an emotional dive.

It’s important to have people you can trust for support. It may be a friend or someone more neutral, like a therapist or psychologist. Many people hire a Divorce Coach to help them through the discussion and what follows.

It may be very difficult. But having this discussion with your partner is the necessary first step to a happier life, and you have more courage to face the future than you know!

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler and less stressful. Take our free three-minute Q&A to learn how one of our Network Members could support your separation.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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Co-parenting on special occasions

The holidays can be tough for separated parents. This blog offers guidance on creating flexible parenting plans that prioritise your children’s well-being and your own needs. We’ll explore whether spending holidays together is always the best option, offer tips for talking to your kids about their worries, and provide strategies for managing your own anxieties during this emotional time.

What is the best parenting plan for the holidays?

When parents begin their separation journey, managing special occasions can be one of their biggest shared-care concerns.

There is no one way to do this – no absolute ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Arrangements made within families will differ according to traditions, culture, work commitments, ages and stages of children, whereabouts of extended family and your circumstances as parents.

When discussing Christmas and other holiday plans, try to focus on what feels right for your situation and block out the noise of other people’s opinions and experiences.

One of the many benefits of pursuing a low-conflict, fair and reasonable separation is that arrangements can be flexible according to your family’s changing needs. You don’t need to have all the answers now. If it doesn’t work this time, you can adjust things next time.

Should separated parents spend special occasions together?

Change is difficult, and a lot of change at one time can destabilise everyone. You may be hopeful that you can spend Christmas or birthdays together. Reflecting on the following questions might help you decide.

  • What is the motivation to have the day together?
  • What is the relationship like between my ex-partner and me?
  • What have special occasions been like in the past? Are we aligned in how we see the day unfolding (from family visits to traditions and the order of the day?)
  • What tensions might arise that could get in the way of us being our best selves? How can we make the holiday period peaceful?
  • How can we put aside any separation matters that may still be ongoing?

If your answers to these questions raise red flags, consider spending the day apart. Just as ‘staying together is best for the kids’ is a separation myth, so is overemphasising the importance of spending every special occasion together.

According to research by Early Childhood Australia, what children want over birthdays or the Christmas period, even over and above the gifts (believe it or not!), is quality time with loved ones, connection, a slower pace and time to engage in play.

Your physical presence on a special day is not enough to create a joyful experience. Suppose there is an underlying hum of resentment, discomfort, sadness, anger, hostility or anxiety. In that case, it will impact your ability to relax and be emotionally present, and your children will likely pick up on it.

So make sure you tell yourself:

It is ok to place importance on my emotional needs & well-being.

I am not a failure if spending every special occasion together is impossible.

Whatever your decision for this year, remember that your relationship as separated parents will evolve. The right decision for you now does not have to hold true every year from now on.

Being flexible around special occasions might feel scary and uncertain. Still, it provides you the freedom to re-evaluate what is in everyone’s best interests as time progresses and individual needs change.

What should I say to my kids if they are worried about being away from me?

Like most things with children, this conversation is a balancing act between saying enough and not saying too much. Remember that your children’s understanding of the situation will vary greatly depending on their age, and they don’t see your separation through the same lens as you.

Even if your children don’t bring up worries about the first Christmas or birthday between two houses or the first time away with their other parent, start a conversation and invite them to share anything that might be on their mind.

Try to keep it light and conversational, and be mindful not to project your feelings onto the situation – don’t assume they feel the same way you do.

Be careful to hear what they are saying and to separate their feelings from any sense of loss you are feeling. Stay curious and explore with them their fears from their perspective. Listen, acknowledge and validate any worries they have about being with their other parent or family.

Your children might be worried about you – let them know that you will be ok and miss them but that you want them to enjoy themselves. You could share a little about your plans for the time you are apart without making it seem like they are missing out on anything. Remind them of the plans that you have together when you reunite.

The main thing is that they are acknowledged, feel heard and understood and know that no matter what, they are loved.

Speaking to a counsellor or separation consultant or divorce coach who can support you in understanding your experience and guide you forwards is an option that may help when difficult experiences like this come up.

Thank you to Kelly Luisa Bagshaw for her contribution to this post.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need legal, financial or well-being support.

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What happens to my superannuation when I separate?

It’s common for separating couples to have different levels of superannuation. How you split your super in your separation sometimes comes as a surprise.

It’s important to understand that superannuation is considered property in a separation, and you both must include your super in your pool of assets. You should also understand your rights to your portion of the split.

We asked family lawyer Samantha Miller some common questions we get from separating couples about how family law legislation views superannuation in separation.

What happens if I’ve been a primary caregiver and missed out on years of earnings and super contributions?

In a property settlement, the law looks at the contributions you’ve both made to all of your assets, including your superannuation, property, other investments, and belongings. The law thinks about the direct financial contributions and indirect contributions to those assets.

For example, one person stayed home to look after children so their spouse could go out and make money and contribute towards superannuation. These contributions are considered equal, so the superannuation entitlements are considered equal.

What happens to my super if my ex is caring for our children more after we separate?

The law looks firstly at contributions during the relationship and then at each person’s future needs and earning potential. This includes the impact on someone’s future career if they need to care for their children.

It’s common for the person who has taken a greater share of the care of children during the relationship to have a lower income and to have contributed less to their own superannuation. Post-separation, caring for the children is more costly, and it also impacts the ability to earn and reestablish superannuation and financial position.

So, the law will often award a greater share of the asset pool to the parent with a lower income and a greater share of the children. Remember, the asset pool includes both of your super balances.

What happens if my partner received employer contributions while I was a sole trader or business owner and I didn’t make contributions to my super?

Just because one person didn’t contribute to their superannuation doesn’t mean they’re not equally entitled to the pool of assets.

If the money existed and was used within the marriage for the couple or family’s benefit, it would be counted just like any other asset. Each person would have the same entitlement to the asset as if they’ve contributed to it throughout their relationship.

What happens if I’ve contributed ten or twenty years of superannuation to my fund before entering the relationship?

The initial contribution, or what each party brought into the relationship, is considered in a split. That may give one person a greater pull on the assets.

If the relationship is around five years or shorter, initial contributions are given more weight. If a relationship breaks down very early on, then a settlement will often try to put the people back into the same position that they came into the relationship.

However, if a marriage is 20 or 30 years long, the initial contributions are generally not given much consideration.

What happens to any super built after the official date of my separation but before my settlement is finalised?

The couple’s entire pool of assets is included in the split when legally binding documents are lodged with the court to finalise your financial and property matters. Legally, people must disclose their current position on that day.

Someone can make arguments about why the Court shouldn’t include it. For example, it arose post-separation. But if one party has less superannuation, it’s probably because they had a greater share of childcare, and there was a disparity in their income.

If my super was released early when we were together, how are my entitlements affected after we split?

If a couple released superannuation during the relationship, it will be assumed that it was used for the good of the family unit, and it just disappeared. The couple may have used it to pay off the mortgage or just spent it, and it’s no longer in the asset pool. If it was spent post-separation for entirely personal needs, it might be notionally added back into the asset pool and notionally divided.

The legislation is designed to provide an equitable split of assets based on your contributions to the relationship. Our expert Network Members are qualified to help you get to a fair outcome so you can get on with life with a fresh start and hopefully some financial security around your retirement.

If you want to know more about splitting assets in separation and get some advice about your circumstances, complete our 3-minute Q&A. The Q&A asks you questions to help us find out about your situation. We can send you resources to read and listen to relevant to your needs. And when you’re ready, we can put you in touch with the right professionals.

To hear the full discussion with Samantha, listen to our podcast Separating with super.

 

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free 3-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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