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Co-parenting on special occasions

The holidays can be tough for separated parents. This blog offers guidance on creating flexible parenting plans that prioritise your children’s well-being and your own needs. We’ll explore whether spending holidays together is always the best option, offer tips for talking to your kids about their worries, and provide strategies for managing your own anxieties during this emotional time.

What is the best parenting plan for the holidays?

When parents begin their separation journey, managing special occasions can be one of their biggest shared-care concerns.

There is no one way to do this – no absolute ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Arrangements made within families will differ according to traditions, culture, work commitments, ages and stages of children, whereabouts of extended family and your circumstances as parents.

When discussing Christmas and other holiday plans, try to focus on what feels right for your situation and block out the noise of other people’s opinions and experiences.

One of the many benefits of pursuing a low-conflict, fair and reasonable separation is that arrangements can be flexible according to your family’s changing needs. You don’t need to have all the answers now. If it doesn’t work this time, you can adjust things next time.

Should separated parents spend special occasions together?

Change is difficult, and a lot of change at one time can destabilise everyone. You may be hopeful that you can spend Christmas or birthdays together. Reflecting on the following questions might help you decide.

What is the motivation to have the day together?
What is the relationship like between my ex-partner and me?
What have special occasions been like in the past? Are we aligned in how we see the day unfolding (from family visits to traditions and the order of the day?)
What tensions might arise that could get in the way of us being our best selves? How can we make the holiday period peaceful?
How can we put aside any separation matters that may still be ongoing?

If your answers to these questions raise red flags, consider spending the day apart. Just as ‘staying together is best for the kids’ is a separation myth, so is overemphasising the importance of spending every special occasion together.

According to research by Early Childhood Australia, what children want over birthdays or the Christmas period, even over and above the gifts (believe it or not!), is quality time with loved ones, connection, a slower pace and time to engage in play.

Your physical presence on a special day is not enough to create a joyful experience. Suppose there is an underlying hum of resentment, discomfort, sadness, anger, hostility or anxiety. In that case, it will impact your ability to relax and be emotionally present, and your children will likely pick up on it.

So make sure you tell yourself:

It is ok to place importance on my emotional needs & well-being.

I am not a failure if spending every special occasion together is impossible.

Whatever your decision for this year, remember that your relationship as separated parents will evolve. The right decision for you now does not have to hold true every year from now on.

Being flexible around special occasions might feel scary and uncertain. Still, it provides you the freedom to re-evaluate what is in everyone’s best interests as time progresses and individual needs change.

What should I say to my kids if they are worried about being away from me?

Like most things with children, this conversation is a balancing act between saying enough and not saying too much. Remember that your children’s understanding of the situation will vary greatly depending on their age, and they don’t see your separation through the same lens as you.

Even if your children don’t bring up worries about the first Christmas or birthday between two houses or the first time away with their other parent, start a conversation and invite them to share anything that might be on their mind.

Try to keep it light and conversational, and be mindful not to project your feelings onto the situation – don’t assume they feel the same way you do.

Be careful to hear what they are saying and to separate their feelings from any sense of loss you are feeling. Stay curious and explore with them their fears from their perspective. Listen, acknowledge and validate any worries they have about being with their other parent or family.

Your children might be worried about you – let them know that you will be ok and miss them but that you want them to enjoy themselves. You could share a little about your plans for the time you are apart without making it seem like they are missing out on anything. Remind them of the plans that you have together when you reunite.

The main thing is that they are acknowledged, feel heard and understood and know that no matter what, they are loved.

Speaking to a counsellor or separation consultant or divorce coach who can support you in understanding your experience and guide you forwards is an option that may help when difficult experiences like this come up.

Thank you to Kelly Luisa Bagshaw for her contribution to this post.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need legal, financial or well-being support.

Tips to keep your online activity private

What happens to my superannuation when I separate?

It’s common for separating couples to have different levels of superannuation. How you split your super in your separation sometimes comes as a surprise.

It’s important to understand that superannuation is considered property in a separation, and you both must include your super in your pool of assets. You should also understand your rights to your portion of the split.

We asked family lawyer Samantha Miller some common questions we get from separating couples about how family law legislation views superannuation in separation.

What happens if I’ve been a primary caregiver and missed out on years of earnings and super contributions?

In a property settlement, the law looks at the contributions you’ve both made to all of your assets, including your superannuation, property, other investments, and belongings. The law thinks about the direct financial contributions and indirect contributions to those assets.

For example, one person stayed home to look after children so their spouse could go out and make money and contribute towards superannuation. These contributions are considered equal, so the superannuation entitlements are considered equal.

What happens to my super if my ex is caring for our children more after we separate?

The law looks firstly at contributions during the relationship and then at each person’s future needs and earning potential. This includes the impact on someone’s future career if they need to care for their children.

It’s common for the person who has taken a greater share of the care of children during the relationship to have a lower income and to have contributed less to their own superannuation. Post-separation, caring for the children is more costly, and it also impacts the ability to earn and reestablish superannuation and financial position.

So, the law will often award a greater share of the asset pool to the parent with a lower income and a greater share of the children. Remember, the asset pool includes both of your super balances.

What happens if my partner received employer contributions while I was a sole trader or business owner and I didn’t make contributions to my super?

Just because one person didn’t contribute to their superannuation doesn’t mean they’re not equally entitled to the pool of assets.

If the money existed and was used within the marriage for the couple or family’s benefit, it would be counted just like any other asset. Each person would have the same entitlement to the asset as if they’ve contributed to it throughout their relationship.

What happens if I’ve contributed ten or twenty years of superannuation to my fund before entering the relationship?

The initial contribution, or what each party brought into the relationship, is considered in a split. That may give one person a greater pull on the assets.

If the relationship is around five years or shorter, initial contributions are given more weight. If a relationship breaks down very early on, then a settlement will often try to put the people back into the same position that they came into the relationship.

However, if a marriage is 20 or 30 years long, the initial contributions are generally not given much consideration.

What happens to any super built after the official date of my separation but before my settlement is finalised?

The couple’s entire pool of assets is included in the split when legally binding documents are lodged with the court to finalise your financial and property matters. Legally, people must disclose their current position on that day.

Someone can make arguments about why the Court shouldn’t include it. For example, it arose post-separation. But if one party has less superannuation, it’s probably because they had a greater share of childcare, and there was a disparity in their income.

If my super was released early when we were together, how are my entitlements affected after we split?

If a couple released superannuation during the relationship, it will be assumed that it was used for the good of the family unit, and it just disappeared. The couple may have used it to pay off the mortgage or just spent it, and it’s no longer in the asset pool. If it was spent post-separation for entirely personal needs, it might be notionally added back into the asset pool and notionally divided.

The legislation is designed to provide an equitable split of assets based on your contributions to the relationship. Our expert Network Members are qualified to help you get to a fair outcome so you can get on with life with a fresh start and hopefully some financial security around your retirement.

If you want to know more about splitting assets in separation and get some advice about your circumstances, complete our 3-minute Q&A. The Q&A asks you questions to help us find out about your situation. We can send you resources to read and listen to relevant to your needs. And when you’re ready, we can put you in touch with the right professionals.

To hear the full discussion with Samantha, listen to our podcast Separating with super.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

5 tips for financial empowerment during separation

What is conscious uncoupling?

When a relationship ends, it can be a deeply emotional and difficult experience for both parties involved. It is natural to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and grief. However, conscious uncoupling offers an alternative approach to dealing with the end of a relationship that focuses on self-care, personal growth, and healing.

Gwyneth Paltrow popularised the term when she and her then-husband, Chris Martin, announced their separation in 2014. Conscious uncoupling, coined by relationship coach and author Katherine Woodward Thomas, refers to the process of ending a romantic relationship in a way that is respectful, compassionate, and mindful of both parties.

“Your breakup doesn’t need to ruin your life, damage your kids or define your future,” says Woodward Thomas. The aim of conscious uncoupling is to “bring you through one of the most difficult things you ever have to go through intact and with everyone set up to win”.

What is conscious uncoupling?

While every breakup is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution, conscious uncoupling offers a framework for navigating the end of a relationship with grace and kindness.

One of the key elements is the idea is that both of you played a role in the demise of your relationship demise, and taking responsibility for your actions is important. This means acknowledging any hurt you may have caused and apologising for it. It also involves forgiveness, both for yourself and your ex-partner.

Another important aspect of conscious uncoupling is personal growth. Instead of getting stuck in negative emotions, it’s about moving forward and becoming the best version of yourself. This might mean going to therapy, joining a support group, or finding other ways to process the end of the relationship.

Find the right support professionals to guide you through your separation

Take our 3-minute Q&A to connect with our professional network of divorce coaches, mediators and ethically-aligned family lawyers who can support you through the kind of separation you want.

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Is conscious uncoupling an easier way to end a relationship?

Often the easiest emotions to feel when you are hurting are anger and resentment. It can be easier to blame someone else for your situation than take responsibility for your role in the situation. The conscious uncoupling process can be challenging and requires a willingness to be vulnerable and honest about your own emotions and actions.

However, the benefits of the approach can be significant. It allows you to end your relationship with love and understanding rather than bitterness and resentment and move forward with a sense of peace.

Who can help us consciously uncouple?

If you’re considering this approach, it can help you both to seek the support of a divorce coach or couples counsellor who can help you communicate in a way that will avoid escalation and lay the groundwork for a positive separation. They can also support you with some of the more confronting aspects of acknowledging your own role in the breakdown of the relationship. It is also important to choose legal professionals aligned with your wishes and actively seek to avoid escalation.

Journalist Tamara Oudyn from ABC Radio Life Matters podcast series ‘The Good Divorce’ spoke with Katherine Woodward Thomas about conscious uncoupling. Listen to the episode here.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

How to help someone going through a separation

How to help someone going through a separation

Most marriages begin with love and mutual respect. No one goes into marriage intending it to end in divorce. But with studies now suggesting that 33% of all marriages in Australia are expected to end in divorce, most people will likely feel the impacts of a separation at some point in their lives. If you are a friend or family member of a loved one going through a breakup, you likely need to protect, nurture and support them through the challenges ahead.

Rushing in to take sides and give advice is often our instinct. However, there are better ways to approach things. While there is no quick fix to ease the pressure of your loved one’s relationship breakdown, there are ways you can offer proactive and practical support.

So what should we do – and not do – if we want to help our friend? Here are some guidelines that may help.

Share The Separation Guide Q&A

The Separation Guide is a resource designed to support your friend or loved one through all aspects of their separation, from before they separate to finalising their split and beyond.

Our research shows that early education and access to the right advice from qualified professionals can make a separation quicker, more straightforward, less costly and less stressful.

According to our Impact Survey, the people who used The Separation Guide resources and engaged with our network’s ethical, trustworthy professionals had better outcomes on every metric.

> Our clients saved 52% on costs

> They reached a resolution 24% faster

> Their stress reduced by 11%

> The impact at work decreased by 25%

The first step to a better separation for your friend, family member or colleague is to complete our 3-minute Q&A for access to our free Support Hub, with information about separation and connection to the professionals they will need. You can have a significant impact on their separation by sharing the link.

Share the Q&A

Be there for them and listen

When a friend or family member confides in us, we can feel pressure to offer wise counsel to prove their trust in us was not misplaced. But often, that’s different from what they need. In fact, our friend or loved one may resent advice that wasn’t asked for or the presumption that we immediately have the solution for a painful, complex issue.

Very often, someone going through separation wants to be comforted and heard. We can best support them by remembering we are not trained counsellors and focus instead on what friends do best: listen, hug them, and let them know you will be there for them as they work through this.

Offer empathy

Offering empathy is a powerful way to help someone experiencing a separation. You can show constructive empathy by focusing the discussion on your hurting loved one’s feelings – not on their partner or what may have occurred for the relationship breakdown. People experiencing separation are bound to feel a world of emotions. Someone well-versed in supporting people will know not to fuel the emotional flame and to listen objectively without offering too much opinion.

Try to understand the waves of emotion and uncertainty they are feeling and let them know their feelings are perfectly valid. You could say things like:

“I’m sorry you have to go through something so painful.”

“I’m guessing you’re really confused right now.”

“It sounds like you’re extremely hurt and disappointed. I would be, too.”

Offer perspective

A good friend and confidant who knows the couple well can speak life and hope into the situation by offering a more balanced perspective.

In contrast to giving advice, offering perspective is not directive or pushy, nor should it diminish your loved one’s experience with statements like “it could be worse” or “at least you’ve got your health.”

It’s a much more sensitive approach to listen and ensure the hurting friend feels heard and understood before gently suggesting alternative, more positive ways of looking at the situation.

Don’t underestimate the value to your friend of feeling heard and understood and of knowing they have a trusted friend who cares about them – and who also cares about their marriage.

Show your support

This has a caveat. When you support a friend or family member during a divorce, the best way is to champion them and build them up without tearing down their former partner.

Putting on the boxing gloves and launching into ‘I always hated them, you always deserved better…’ will build a wall of negativity.

Instead, say: ‘You’re a great person. You’re strong, and we will get through this together. Would you like to have dinner tomorrow? I am always here to listen whenever you need me. In a year, this will feel better. What do you need? I care for you.”

Don’t offer uneducated advice

Unless you are a qualified expert or have experienced an identical separation yourself, it is unlikely that you can comprehend the depth of your loved one’s experience.

People in support roles tend to problem-solve to make themselves feel useful, but offering unsolicited advice may create unforeseen problems later.

The best way to offer advice is to do a little digging into professional services that can help them navigate the path of separation most effectively and amicably. Friends help friends find the help they need.

Accredited Mediator Jack Whelan explains, One of the biggest mistakes people going through a separation process make is taking advice from friends and (well-meaning) family who do not understand the law”. He advises to get their support but “don’t take their advice, as every relationship is different”.

Provide practical help

Your friend or family member may struggle to juggle the practical aspects of life after separation. Sometimes, they may need help with some of the practical aspects of their new life but may not be able to ask for support or know how to respond if you ask, “What do you need?”

Some practical things you could offer are

a place to stay if they are still living with their former partner and need some space
to drop off or pick up children from school to help with a change in routine
babysitting so they can have some time to themselves for exercise or a hobby
a meal so they don’t have to organise food for themselves every day.

Often, practical help comes thick and fast in the early days of separation and then dries up just as the grind of daily life sets in. If you can, make your practical help part of your weekly routine so your friend or loved one knows they can rely on you. This can provide them with some peace of mind and take away some of their stress and mental load.

Click here to view the list of our resources and tools to help your friend or family members.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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How can I have a peaceful separation?

Your partner and you have decided to separate. Regardless of whether you initiated the decision, were the responder or it was something you agreed upon jointly, endings are emotional and people’s feelings will vary each and every time.

Whatever your situation, be it friendly or bitter, the process can be amicable if you both make a conscious choice and effort to stay that way. The Separation Guide spoke with Tarnya Davis, and Heather Irvine-Rundle, both clinical psychologists on the NSW Central Coast who shared some key steps you can take for the best chance of an amicable separation:

1. Deal with emotions first

Separation is a time of great emotional pain and enormous change. An incredibly important step is to seek counselling from a neutral party which will support you to deal with the loss of a significant relationship. “It’s important to manage your own emotional reactions in the situation,” says Tarnya. “Investing in preparation is a good idea… people can hang on to these issues for a very very long time”. Learning coping strategies will help you to survive the transition, and working through these can help to put you in a better place to have a peaceful and amicable separation.
“If you can manage your own emotion and settle yourself… then sometimes that change results in the change to come”, says Tarnya. Heather adds “grief is the dream of what you thought you were going to have and it’s really important that you’re supported to grieve in that way”. Grieving that the future is going to be different, feeling hurt, dealing with feelings of anger or resentment are important issues you need to work through and resolve before you go down the path of having a peaceful divorce. “Saying to yourself, ‘when my emotions are in check, that’s the greatest gift I can give myself’ ”
Adds Heather “and then we need to move forward`.

2. Practice radical acceptance

If you’re the partner that was not the initiator of the separation, it may be very difficult to accept that the relationship is over. This can greatly affect your self esteem and sense of self worth. “When we look at it in our industry, we call this radical acceptance. What it means is that although we don’t want to, it takes a radical step to accept that this person isn’t going to be the person in our lives that we wanted. It’s radical to believe that we’re not going to grow old together. It’s radical to accept that there’s going to be a new mother or a new person who’s going to be around our children. And it’s called radical acceptance because it often is a big radical leap.”

3. Avoid speaking poorly about your former partner

“Especially if there are children involved” says Tarnya. Perhaps one of the crucial steps to ensuring you have a peaceful divorce, is making sure that you avoid any negative talk about your former partner. “A big part of what kids see and learn is how their parents might manage their difficult emotions around separation. Accepting that you have control over how you think, how you react and how you behave” show that it’s possible to have an amicable divorce. Learning to forgive, or putting your pain to the side while you deal with the practical aspects, can make the journey to a peaceful separation much easier. Primarily, “thinking about how children feel, and how they are coping with this very difficult time in their lives”. Think about your post-divorce relationship. What do you want it to look like? How will you get there? Your choices here will help the next part of your journey.

4. Put the children first, always

“The thing is, separation is probably one of the most traumatic and difficult times a family might go through”, says Tarnya. For the greatest peaceful transition, both of you should be prepared to share the major decisions about the welfare of your children and continue to communicate positively with one another in relation to the children’s lives. Be prepared to trial a few different arrangements and find one that works for both of you and the children. You can’t possibly know what will work best until you’ve given different arrangements a chance. One which ensures the children remain happy along the way.

5. Deal with losses of mutual friendships maturely

Often separating couples lose a group of friends and colleagues in the process of separating. “The shock of ‘this is what I’ve lost’ and the grief side of the change… can mean huge social changes, losing your partner as well as their extended family or having to move homes or changing your work situation” adds to discomfort within the situation. Avoid expecting your friends or colleagues to take sides, Tarnya suggests that sometimes “we can’t change something that we may think is unfair. But if it can’t be changed, continuing to rally against that only just causes you more pain and suffering”. Accepting what is and focusing on what you can control, letting friends know you want a peaceful separation and that you can both continue your own friendships if they choose to.

6. See if Guided Separation might be right for you

Getting divorced does not need to be the same as the movies. There is a better way. Guided Separation allows couples to engage with a legally-qualified Mediator to help them reach a fair agreement. Mediation is a process whereby an independent third party helps both parties to find a resolution that is mutually acceptable. To find out if a Mediator assisting you through Guided Separation might be right for your situation, take our free 3-minute Q&A here and know all your options.

Tarnya Davis is a clinical and forensic psychologist based in Newcastle, NSW and Heather is a Clinical Psychologist on the Central Coast, NSW.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

Role of a Financial Advisor in the separation process

How might a divorce impact grandparents?

Adjusting to life after separation is a challenge for every family that goes through it. Less commonly considered is that the challenge can extend to grandparents who may have their own uncertainties as to how they should navigate this ‘new normal’.
“Separation impacts much more than just the two people involved” says Rebecca Dahl, partner at Nicholes Family Law. And as Geoff, a father and grandfather who has recently supported his daughter through her divorce told us, “you never stop being a parent”. Overarchingly, a grandparent needs to show support for the family at large, and where possible remain impartial.

On learning of his daughter and son in law’s separation, Geoff says he felt the weight of wanting to make sure he was able to give the right advice and support “but I didn’t really know what that was”. “I hadn’t been through a separation, so I didn’t have a lot of experience in what to do next. But trying to alleviate my daughter’s concerns and talk through her late night worries was just something I had to take on”.

I told her “I think you need to work out what you want from this, and then find a lawyer that is aligned with your beliefs. I’ve seen too many people fight unnecessarily, and all that ends up happening, is they lose out in the end”.

Staying connected with grandchildren while maintaining communication with the other party was a key concern. “For us, it was about ensuring we could support them both as they worked through their issues, but also we were keen to be there to support our grandkids,” says Geoff.

As Rebecca explained “The Family Law Act states that as well as their parents, children have a right to a relationship with other significant people in their life, and that includes their grandparents”. Geoff stated “We had a lot of involvement with the children of the marriage, and we didn’t want that to change because our daughter became separated. We kept up our regular involvement and time with the grandkids’ lives which seemed to help keep things somewhat normal for all of us.”

Rebecca speaks first-hand with clients everyday who are facing separation and advises that “these days there are a lot of tools to support family relationships, especially if there has been conflict. Our Family Wizard is a useful app that many families use to help work out co-parenting arrangements. It supports families when there is both good and bad communication and suggests “keep your time with your grandchildren fun and light. Have a positive attitude, and keep things low-stress. Have ideas for fun things to do that you know they will enjoy and will take their mind off any stress they might be feeling at home. Demonstrate how to stay peaceful and calm even in the face of challenges. Be a positive role model for your grandchildren”.

The challenge for grandparents comes with having to acclimatise to their family’s new sense of normal while being a constant source of support for their grandchildren. Communicating with their adult child is vital to ensure they are always on the same page.

Communication is key to gliding over any bumps that arrive. Rebecca suggests that “communicating with your extended family about what is happening is nine-tenths the real key to these things”. If you run into challenging times “there are a lot of counsellors now that offer family counselling. In these instances they will have parents, kids, grandparents etc. It can be really powerful to support positive relationships moving forward”.

To learn more about The Separation Guide take our Q&A here.
To visit Our Family Wizard you can visit their website here.

REBECCA DAHL | Nicholes Family Lawyers

Rebecca is partner at Nicholes Family Lawyers. She practises exclusively in family law and has a particular interest in complex children’s matters. She has extensive experience in working with clients experiencing family violence, and helping people navigate the Intervention Order process. In addition, she specialises in family law for the LGBTIQA+ community (including egg and sperm donation agreements and co parenting agreements) and was a finalist in the Straight Ally of the Year Category at the Globe Community Awards.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

Are you de facto married?

What is a good divorce — and how do you have one?

We’re proud to be featured in a new program from ABC Radio National called The Good Divorce.

It’s all about helping Australians find ways to separate and co-parent amicably without spending vast amounts of money, time and stress.

Which is exactly why we established The Separation Guide.

So how can people have a better separation — and avoid getting caught in the escalation cycle?

In the video above, Mediator and Barrister Jack Whelan chats about:

the people who have less stressful, less expensive divorces
the biggest regrets people have after separation
why winning isn’t everything

Whether you’re starting a separation process, or halfway through, let us know if we can help you.

We have a network of Mediators, Family Lawyers, financial advisors and psychologists who all believe in open communication, de-escalation and Court as a last resort.

It is important to note that in some situations, eg. where there are safety or violence issues, a ‘good’ divorce just isn’t possible.

We are here to support people whatever their separation circumstances.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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How do I communicate with my partner during a separation or divorce?

How do I communicate with my partner during a separation or divorce?

Communicating with your partner can be difficult during a separation or divorce.

Generally, however, the ‘angrier’ the process, the higher the cost and the longer it will take. That’s why all the experts in our network — from lawyers to accountants — believe in de-escalation.

As Lawyer Anna Cruckshank says, communication is ‘the number one element that drives whether a separation is dealt with in a sensible way that gets the best outcome for the parties or whether it goes off the rails.’

So, how can you communicate more effectively? Below are some tips to help you navigate this process.

But before we start… your safety is paramount. If you are concerned about your partner’s potential reaction during and after a conversation, seek professional help first.

Have a plan for how the issue of separation or divorce is raised.

The bottom line is that it’s a difficult conversation to have. Think about how you and your partner want to be communicated with and what support you need after the discussion.

If you have children, put their interests first.

That means both parents are modelling good behaviour by being respectful, calm and positive about each other. How should you discuss a separation with your kids? We chat with a senior psychologist in this podcast.

Meet in public places.

This could help you both control emotions and maintain an amicable conversation.

Try to keep an open mind.

When you’re having a conversation, actively listen to your partner’s concerns and thoughts. That means asking questions rather than making judgements. Davide Di Pietro, Clinical Social Worker at the Resilience Centre Family Clinic, explains that receptive thinking ‘can really turn things around, even in cases where there has been high conflict in the past.’

Be willing to hear ‘no.’

It is reasonable to expect you will not agree on everything during the separation. This long process requires a lot of negotiation to reach a fair and equitable agreement. ‘Maintaining an element of respect for each other’ and a realistic understanding can help you move forward, says Anna Cruckshank, Managing Director at Aubrey Brown.

Think before you respond.

Avoid responding to messages or emails when you’re emotional because this may push you into an escalation cycle. And in a legal sense, when matters escalate, they tend to cost time, money and stress.

Look after yourself.

Take care of your mental health and if you need to speak with someone independent, reach out to a counsellor or psychologist in your area. We can help connect you with experts in our network — contact us for their details.

Find someone to communicate for you.

If respectful communication with your former partner is impossible, use a representative to communicate for you. Depending on the stage you are at, this could be a trusted family member, friend, Mediator or Lawyer.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free 3-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or well-being needs.

Start the Q&A

This 3-minute Q&A can help you better understand how separation and divorce work.

Start the Q&A

Want to use The Separation Guide but your partner isn’t convinced?

Want to use The Separation Guide but your partner isn’t convinced?

When choosing the best way to separate, it’s common for partners to push for different things.

Perhaps you’d like to use The Separation Guide process but your partner isn’t convinced. They might be worried that a choice suggested by you will work against them.

We often hear this story: “I suggested we try The Separation Guide, but because I was the one who suggested they were a bit suspicious. They wondered if I knew someone there who would take my side over theirs.”

Why The Separation Guide is for both of you

Working towards a fair and equitable outcome for both partners is at the core of what we do — as well as aiming to avoid escalation and keep costs down for everyone.

Because The Separation Guide is exactly that – a guide. It guides both couples and individuals to:

a better understanding of what they need
the right process for them
the right providers for them.

Our process is designed so that you can choose to engage with our network of experts together or separately.

You can take the 3-minute online Q&A together or separately
You can book a complimentary initial consultation with a Separation Guide expert together or separately
If your separation requires Lawyers, we will recommend different accredited members from The Separation Guide’s Network so there’s no conflict of interest.

We suggest both partners take advantage of our free resource hub as an entry point to understand what we do and how separation works.

Be on equal footing in separation

By taking our 3-minute online Q&A, your partner can access tailored separation recommendations and a free 30-minute consultation to help them decide if the approach is right for them too.

So, when the question is asked:
Why should I trust the service you have selected?

The answer is:
Check out the site and do the Q&A. It’s all about both of us getting a fair deal.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

"I feel this website is the best, fairest and most sensible and economical way of handling things from start to finish." Anonymous
"We are just so grateful for the way you have handled this. Our circumstances are so specific we needed the expert care....That's what we have got." Anonymous
"Thanks for going the extra mile. I couldn't have asked for better service." Anonymous
"I wanted to let you know that I am very appreciative of all your help and assistance." Anonymous

Start the Q&A

This 3-minute Q&A can help you better understand how separation and divorce work.

Start the Q&A

Blogs

Who’s who in your separation crew?

About The Separation Guide

Our purpose is to make separation and divorce in Australia simpler, more manageable and less expensive. Here's how we help you navigate the maze.

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