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How should I approach Christmas without my children?

The holidays are a time for family, joy, and togetherness. But what if your family unit looks different this year? If you’re facing Christmas without your children due to separation and divorce, the festive season can feel overwhelming. You might wonder how to navigate the traditions, manage loneliness, and create a meaningful Christmas experience.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone! This blog is here to guide you through this challenging time. We’ll explore strategies for approaching Christmas without your children, from self-care tips to alternative ways to celebrate. Let’s turn this potentially difficult experience into a chance for personal growth and rediscover the joy of the season.

How can I let go of how things used to be?

There are many ways to approach Christmas, special days and birthdays as a separated family. Remaining open and flexible will be the key to avoiding it becoming contentious.

The truth is, this will be a negotiation, and it may require you to hold on a little less tightly to past traditions and adjust for the present and future. It is very natural to struggle with change. Letting go can be incredibly challenging, and it’s okay to experience a sense of loss. You may find feelings such as anger, resentment, and injustice arise.

Acknowledging such feelings as valid is essential. However, allowing those feelings to pass and trying not to make decisions from this place is key. There are some things you can try to help you move on.

  • Writing an angry letter and destroying it can be a helpful way to express those feelings and remove some of the intensity.
  • When negotiating Christmas and other special occasions, try to provide yourself with space before responding to any requests.
  • Ask yourself what you are holding on to and why you find it hard to let it go. What particular meaning does this have for you personally? Are you getting stuck on wanting to ‘win’ or not wanting to give ground? What are you telling yourself it means about you if you relinquish?
  • Consider an alternate perspective or reframe things for yourself.

Whatever your circumstances, none of this is easy. These strategies are skills to master. Going through a separation and divorce can give rise to a time of personal development and healing. It forces us to stop and reflect on the past and learn more about ourselves.

How can I feel positive about Christmas without my kids?

The key is to reset expectations around what Christmas looks like. We’re sold an ideal that is, more often than we realise, not the reality for so many people around Christmas time.

To reset expectations, people may need a plan to bolster themselves and be intentional about how they want to spend their time away from their children. One thing to try is journaling about how you want Christmas to look for you.

Ask yourself the following questions.

  • Do I want to be around people, and if so, why?
  • What stories am I telling myself about what being alone at Christmas means?
  • What needs have I been neglecting, and how might I use this time to meet them?
  • How might I experience peace, joy & connection at this time?
  • What are some of the traditions I enjoy about Christmas that I can continue to participate in for myself?

Doing this allows you to see the time apart as a gift to appreciate and enjoy. It is all too easy to narrow our focus to see only what we are missing out on and miss all the other wonderful things that we get to experience.

Christmas is more than one day. There is so much to enjoy and share with your children in and around Christmas: end-of-year parties, Christmas carols, Santa visits, shopping for and wrapping the gifts, moving the elf (grrrr), decorating the tree, writing letters to Santa, making plans to visit friends and family in the holidays… the list goes on.

The point is we have a choice: focus on what we are missing out on or rejoice in all the things we have.

How can I manage my emotional health at Christmas?

This isn’t to dismiss the sadness and loss that come with letting go of our dreams of what a family Christmas looks like. Allowing yourself to sit with and acknowledge those feelings is important, and it is okay to spend a little time grieving.

There are some things you can try to help manage your emotional health & wellbeing.

  • Avoid doom scrolling; comparing your situation to other people’s Christmas highlights reel is an exercise in self-punishment and does nothing to serve you.
  • Be honest about how your past Christmases have looked, especially in the last couple of years before separation, and throw away those rose-tinted specs!
  • Don’t focus on the time you’re missing out on – focus on the time you will spend with your children and make that special.
  • If the opinions of family or friends aren’t helpful, don’t be afraid to put boundaries around contact or topics of conversation that aren’t up for discussion.
  • If being alone feels too scary right now, reach out and ask for help.

Speaking to a counsellor or Divorce Coach who can help you understand your experience and guide you forward is an option that may help when difficult experiences like this come up.

Thank you to Kelly Luisa Bagshaw for her contribution to this post. 

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need legal, financial or well-being support.

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Co-parenting on special occasions

The holidays can be tough for separated parents. This blog offers guidance on creating flexible parenting plans that prioritise your children’s well-being and your own needs. We’ll explore whether spending holidays together is always the best option, offer tips for talking to your kids about their worries, and provide strategies for managing your own anxieties during this emotional time.

What is the best parenting plan for the holidays?

When parents begin their separation journey, managing special occasions can be one of their biggest shared-care concerns.

There is no one way to do this – no absolute ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Arrangements made within families will differ according to traditions, culture, work commitments, ages and stages of children, whereabouts of extended family and your circumstances as parents.

When discussing Christmas and other holiday plans, try to focus on what feels right for your situation and block out the noise of other people’s opinions and experiences.

One of the many benefits of pursuing a low-conflict, fair and reasonable separation is that arrangements can be flexible according to your family’s changing needs. You don’t need to have all the answers now. If it doesn’t work this time, you can adjust things next time.

Should separated parents spend special occasions together?

Change is difficult, and a lot of change at one time can destabilise everyone. You may be hopeful that you can spend Christmas or birthdays together. Reflecting on the following questions might help you decide.

  • What is the motivation to have the day together?
  • What is the relationship like between my ex-partner and me?
  • What have special occasions been like in the past? Are we aligned in how we see the day unfolding (from family visits to traditions and the order of the day?)
  • What tensions might arise that could get in the way of us being our best selves? How can we make the holiday period peaceful?
  • How can we put aside any separation matters that may still be ongoing?

If your answers to these questions raise red flags, consider spending the day apart. Just as ‘staying together is best for the kids’ is a separation myth, so is overemphasising the importance of spending every special occasion together.

According to research by Early Childhood Australia, what children want over birthdays or the Christmas period, even over and above the gifts (believe it or not!), is quality time with loved ones, connection, a slower pace and time to engage in play.

Your physical presence on a special day is not enough to create a joyful experience. Suppose there is an underlying hum of resentment, discomfort, sadness, anger, hostility or anxiety. In that case, it will impact your ability to relax and be emotionally present, and your children will likely pick up on it.

So make sure you tell yourself:

It is ok to place importance on my emotional needs & well-being.

I am not a failure if spending every special occasion together is impossible.

Whatever your decision for this year, remember that your relationship as separated parents will evolve. The right decision for you now does not have to hold true every year from now on.

Being flexible around special occasions might feel scary and uncertain. Still, it provides you the freedom to re-evaluate what is in everyone’s best interests as time progresses and individual needs change.

What should I say to my kids if they are worried about being away from me?

Like most things with children, this conversation is a balancing act between saying enough and not saying too much. Remember that your children’s understanding of the situation will vary greatly depending on their age, and they don’t see your separation through the same lens as you.

Even if your children don’t bring up worries about the first Christmas or birthday between two houses or the first time away with their other parent, start a conversation and invite them to share anything that might be on their mind.

Try to keep it light and conversational, and be mindful not to project your feelings onto the situation – don’t assume they feel the same way you do.

Be careful to hear what they are saying and to separate their feelings from any sense of loss you are feeling. Stay curious and explore with them their fears from their perspective. Listen, acknowledge and validate any worries they have about being with their other parent or family.

Your children might be worried about you – let them know that you will be ok and miss them but that you want them to enjoy themselves. You could share a little about your plans for the time you are apart without making it seem like they are missing out on anything. Remind them of the plans that you have together when you reunite.

The main thing is that they are acknowledged, feel heard and understood and know that no matter what, they are loved.

Speaking to a counsellor or separation consultant or divorce coach who can support you in understanding your experience and guide you forwards is an option that may help when difficult experiences like this come up.

Thank you to Kelly Luisa Bagshaw for her contribution to this post.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need legal, financial or well-being support.

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Social media and separation: proceed with caution

Over 20 million Australians are active social media users. It’s everywhere. We freely share our thoughts and feelings. We share life events. We share our achievements. And we share our disappointments. When you separate, there’s a lot going on. It’s tempting to post about your separation and your ex-partner on social media.

But it’s important to understand the emotional and legal implications of sharing information publicly. No matter how you feel in the moment, there are some things you should consider when posting online.

Be respectful of your ex-partner online

Consider when you should announce your separation or update your relationship status. It’s important to respect that there were two people in the relationship, and any public announcement should wait until you are both ready.

Be mindful that people heal at different rates. You might be ready to pop some champagne and celebrate the new you. You may even have a new partner. But your ex may be in an earlier stage of grief and healing over your break-up. Certainly celebrate if that’s where you’re at, but don’t rush to broadcast it online.

When you do announce your split, be brief. You’re not obliged to explain in detail why you’ve separated. If you want to avoid questions, say in the post that you need space and time before you share more.

Who is reading your posts?

Remember that it’s not just your close friends who follow you on social media. Mutual friends in your relationship, in-laws you want to keep in your life, colleagues you wouldn’t normally share intimate details with or potential employers could all be the audience for a post directed towards your ex-partner.

Do you have children? They may be too young for a smartphone now, but they will undoubtedly be tech-savvy enough to look back through your profile when they are older. Leaving a digital record of your feelings about their other parent could cause resentment and anger later.

Understand that posts could be used against you

Anything you share on social media about your separation or your ex-partner could be used against you in a legal setting, even if you don’t send it directly to them. Mutual friends may share the content you post. If your case escalates, this content could be used as evidence. This applies to texts and emails as well.

Feelings can run high in a separation, but try not to post or send anything when you’re angry. And always consider how someone will interpret what you say, even if you’re being flippant.

Consider the possibility of reconciliation

Not every separation is permanent. One in five couples who separate get back together with their partner. Be careful writing posts that you may later regret.

This extends to friends and family of separating couples. You might feel angry towards the ex-partner of a friend or family member, especially if you think they were the one ‘in the wrong.’ Be mindful that you may damage your relationship if you’ve expressed your feelings about a friend’s ex online and they get back together.

Seek support in private online groups

Private groups on social media can be a great forum to chat with people who have a similar experience to you. Separation can be alienating, especially if none of your close friends has been through it. It’s healing to know you’re not the only one, and there are others out there who can give you advice.

Even if a group is private, don’t share any specific details about your ex-partner or children. If you ask for advice, frame it in a general way.

Keep parenting arrangements private

Consider your children’s privacy when posting or messaging through social media. Think about using a co-parenting app designed for separated parents.

These apps help you manage your care arrangement and include messaging, shared calendars and shared expenses. They are designed to keep communication amicable and your information private.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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The impacts of parental alienation and how to avoid it

When a relationship falters, communication and respect can break down. If the separating couple has children, this can result in parental alienation, where one parent tries to prevent a child from having a reasonable relationship with the other parent.

While some people are caught up in their own pain and unaware that they are alienating their former partner, it is often intentional behaviour to punish the other parent and diminish them in the eyes of the child.

Some behaviours of parental alienation include:

  • speaking ill of the other parent
  • saying they behave in an unacceptable way
  • blocking opportunities for contact with the child
  • saying they do not have the child’s best interests at heart
  • pushing them out of their parenting role.

It is important to note that restricting a parent’s access to their child is not alienation when there is a legitimate concern that the child is in danger. Parental alienation occurs when both parents are able to provide a safe and nurturing environment.

How parental alienation impacts children

Children experiencing parental alienation can feel very vulnerable and conflicted.

Lynne Datnow, Psychologist and Clinical Family Therapist at Stonnington Family Counselling, explains it can be very stressful and confusing for children. In her practice, she often sees symptoms of anxiety and depression, and a child can become ‘avoidant of activities that they previously enjoyed, or we can also see them pulling away from one or other parent or both parents and feeling quite lost and alone.’

How parental alienation impacts the other parent

Lynne says the effect on the other parent can be profound. ‘When that parent who’s been alienated is no longer able to have contact with the child and be part of the child’s growth and development, it creates a profound sense of loss and hopelessness, and that can be experienced as anxiety, depression, a sense of failure.’

Parental alienation in Court

Accredited Specialist in Family Law, Kath Manby, from VM Family Law explains that the Court system isn’t a quick fix. Determining whether parental alienation is happening can be difficult and Court proceedings often become delayed and drawn out. This exposes all parties to further pain and de-rails conciliatory approaches.
Putting children through the Court system can be damaging to their mental health and further hurt their relationship with one or both parents. Kath acknowledges there are some cases where Court proceedings are unavoidable. But she says, ‘we have a duty as well to make sure that the best interests of children are protected, so you certainly don’t want to be putting something into Court where you’re potentially putting children more at risk.’

How to avoid parental alienation

While it is common to feel anger and hurt towards a former partner, it is important that parents change their mindset away from their own hurt and consider the best outcome for their children. One way to achieve this is to practice radical acceptance. You can read about it here.

Family Lawyer Bron O’Loan from O’Loan Family Law recommends working with the whole family in mediation and counselling as early as possible before the issue becomes advanced. Even if the situation seems unsolvable, Bron says that as long as both parties are equally capable of being supportive parents, it isn’t necessarily too late.

‘If somebody comes to us and the wheels have fallen off and they are heading down that court path, there’s always an opportunity to reign it all back in and just say to everyone, “Hang on a minute, just stop, and breathe. And let’s have a look at what the issues really are.” Because it’s okay, perhaps, for separating couples, to fall off the rails, but then to say, “It’s okay, we’re going to come back on again. We’re back on track.” And I think that’s a responsibility of family lawyers that we need to try very hard to bring people back on track.’

If you’d like to hear more about parental alienation, listen to the full podcast here.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free 3-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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What is conscious uncoupling?

When a relationship ends, it can be a deeply emotional and difficult experience for both parties involved. It is natural to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and grief. However, conscious uncoupling offers an alternative approach to dealing with the end of a relationship that focuses on self-care, personal growth, and healing.

Gwyneth Paltrow popularised the term when she and her then-husband, Chris Martin, announced their separation in 2014. Conscious uncoupling, coined by relationship coach and author Katherine Woodward Thomas, refers to the process of ending a romantic relationship in a way that is respectful, compassionate, and mindful of both parties.

“Your breakup doesn’t need to ruin your life, damage your kids or define your future,” says Woodward Thomas. The aim of conscious uncoupling is to “bring you through one of the most difficult things you ever have to go through intact and with everyone set up to win”.

What is conscious uncoupling?

While every breakup is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution, conscious uncoupling offers a framework for navigating the end of a relationship with grace and kindness.

One of the key elements is the idea is that both of you played a role in the demise of your relationship demise, and taking responsibility for your actions is important. This means acknowledging any hurt you may have caused and apologising for it. It also involves forgiveness, both for yourself and your ex-partner.

Another important aspect of conscious uncoupling is personal growth. Instead of getting stuck in negative emotions, it’s about moving forward and becoming the best version of yourself. This might mean going to therapy, joining a support group, or finding other ways to process the end of the relationship.

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Is conscious uncoupling an easier way to end a relationship?

Often the easiest emotions to feel when you are hurting are anger and resentment. It can be easier to blame someone else for your situation than take responsibility for your role in the situation. The conscious uncoupling process can be challenging and requires a willingness to be vulnerable and honest about your own emotions and actions.

However, the benefits of the approach can be significant. It allows you to end your relationship with love and understanding rather than bitterness and resentment and move forward with a sense of peace.

Who can help us consciously uncouple?

If you’re considering this approach, it can help you both to seek the support of a divorce coach or couples counsellor who can help you communicate in a way that will avoid escalation and lay the groundwork for a positive separation. They can also support you with some of the more confronting aspects of acknowledging your own role in the breakdown of the relationship. It is also important to choose legal professionals aligned with your wishes and actively seek to avoid escalation.


Journalist Tamara Oudyn from ABC Radio Life Matters podcast series ‘The Good Divorce’ spoke with Katherine Woodward Thomas about conscious uncoupling. Listen to the episode here.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free 3-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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Vaccinations – what happens when parents disagree?

There has been an influx of enquiry from concerned parents, about the possibility of their children being vaccinated against COVID-19. These parents fall on either side of the issue – some are eager to have their children immunised as soon as possible, while some are concerned about potential adverse effects and want to make sure their children aren’t put at risk. The thing that all these parents have in common is that their child’s other parent doesn’t agree with them about vaccinations, so they have looked to the law for guidance.

So what happens if separated parents can’t agree on medical decisions for their children? Often, these disagreements ultimately wind up in Court, and the Court will make the orders that they find are in the best interests of the child. These orders relate to parental responsibility.

What is parental responsibility?

Parenting orders will sometimes allocate parental responsibility to one parent or another. The parent with parental responsibility is the parent who makes decisions about long-term issues relating to their children’s welfare, including their medical care.

The default position is that it is in the children’s best interests for both parents to share parental responsibility. This means that the large majority of separated parents are required to work together and come to an agreement about their children’s medical care.

In cases where the parents share parental responsibility but are truly unable to agree on the specific issue of medical decisions, the Court will sometimes allocate responsibility for these decisions to one parent or another.

With the various COVID-19 vaccinations not yet being approved for children, we are yet to see how the Court will determine a dispute between parents over whether to have their children vaccinated against COVID-19. However, we can take some guidance from previous cases relating to vaccination in general.

The decision of Maniken & Taube (2021)

One significant case is the 2021 decision of Judge Taglieri in Maniken & Taube. Prior to Final Hearing, the parties had managed to reach an agreement on almost all issues, except whether the children should be vaccinated. This question was left to the Court.

The Mother was strongly opposed to vaccination. She relied on a number of scientific research papers about potential adverse reactions to vaccines and argued that there was a particular risk to her children, due to their various allergies and her own auto-immune disorder. Essentially, her argument was that vaccinating the children was not necessary, as the diseases vaccines protect against are treatable, and overall the risks of vaccination outweighed the benefits.

The Father was in favour of vaccinating the children and generally stated that he would follow the recommendations of the children’s doctors. He argued that none of the mother’s medical evidence was ‘independent empirical evidence’ supporting her belief in the risks of vaccines and that the consensus in the medical and scientific community, as well as the Australian Government’s official health advice, is that vaccines are safe for children and in the best interests of their health. The Father argued that given the Mother’s attitude towards vaccinations, he should be awarded sole parental responsibility for decisions relating to the children’s healthcare.

The Court was ultimately required to decide whether the Mother’s position about the risks of vaccines was correct, or whether the benefits of vaccinating the children really did outweigh any risk.

His Honour gave significant weight to the recommendations of the Australian Government and the World Health Organisation (“WHO”), and less weight to the material relied on by the Mother. His Honour found that this research overall was either biased or inconclusive, and did not support the Mother’s conclusions that vaccines, in general, were unsafe.

The Court decided that while the Mother’s beliefs were genuine, they were unreasonable. His Honour found that the Mother had a strong bias against vaccination and was unlikely to comply with the recommendations of the children’s doctors, or any specific Order that the children be vaccinated. Accordingly, His Honour awarded the Father sole responsibility for the children’s medical decisions.

Religion and vaccination

The decision above is in line with a number of previous decisions of the Courts, including the 2012 decision of Howell & Howell.

In Howell, there was also a religious component. The Father was a devout member of “Religion T” (the exact religion was redacted from the published decision), which rejected most Western medicine, including vaccinations, in favour of traditional or homoeopathic remedies. In addition, the Father was a strict vegetarian, to the extent that he opposed vaccinations due to the use of animals in the development and testing process.

During the relationship, the parents had both agreed to raise the child in accordance with Religion T, and accordingly, the children had not been vaccinated. By the time the matter came to Final Hearing, the Mother had changed her position and wished to have the child vaccinated.

Ultimately the Father’s religious beliefs did not help him in Court, as Orders were made for the Mother to have sole responsibility for the child’s medical decisions. His Honour found that this was in the child’s best interests.

How do these decisions relate to COVID-19?

What emerges from these cases is that generally, the Court will decide what is in the children’s best interests based on the expert evidence before it. Greater weight is given to reputable mainstream medical and scientific literature, which includes the official recommendations of various government bodies. These publications, historically, have been unanimously in favour of vaccination, and the Court has made Orders in line with those recommendations.

We will need to follow closely the development of scientific data in relation to the various COVID-19 vaccinations, and the recommendations of the medical community at large in relation to their use on children.

If you are involved in a Family Law matter please take our free 5-minute Q&A.

This article was written by one of our network partners Kayte Lewis from Voice Lawyers and is re-shared with permission.

Principal Lawyer Kayte Lewis is a NMAS accredited mediator, sits on the Legal Aid Family Law and Domestic Violence panels, and is a panel mediator on the Family Law Settlement Service.

Original story link here.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free 3-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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Shared parenting & ‘nesting’ in separation

When parents decide to separate, one of the biggest challenges they face is figuring out living arrangements for themselves and their children. This can be especially tough in the early days if the couple is in a trial separation and not ready to set up two permanent homes. For families going through a separation, many choose a style of living and parenting called ‘bird-nesting’. 

What is bird-nesting in separation?

Bird-nesting, also known as “nesting” or “bird’s nest custody,” is an arrangement where children stay in the family home, and the separated parents move in and out on a rotating basis. It’s often used in early separation and can be an interim arrangement while you make formal living and shared parenting arrangements.

When not at home, parents may choose to stay with friends or family, in a hotel, house-sit, rent a room in a share house, or split the cost of a small apartment big enough for one person at a time.

How does nesting help children adjust to separation?

Bird-nesting aims to keep children’s lives as undisrupted as possible by having them stay in their family home. This can be really helpful because it allows children to maintain a sense of stability and continuity. They get to stay in their own rooms, go to the same schools, and have their own routines. Staying in the comfort of their own home with their familiar surroundings can help support children as they adjust to the “new normal” of separated parents.

Clinical psychologist Tarnya Davis explains,  “it’s important that children continue to have a relationship with both parents.” Nesting may be one way to ensure this.

However, nesting may be confusing for children if it continues indefinitely. They may feel they are in a situation of limbo. They may ask whose house is it, or how final is the separation if you don’t have separate homes? It’s important that you communicate clearly with your children on your expectations and intentions for the nesting arrangement.

Is bird-nesting right for my family?

So, is bird-nesting right for you? Here are a few things to consider:

  • Can you and your ex communicate effectively and co-parent well? Bird-nesting requires a lot of cooperation and communication between the parents. If you and your ex have a lot of conflict or struggle to see eye to eye, this arrangement may not be the best choice.
  • Are you comfortable with the idea of sharing a space with your ex? Bird-nesting can be emotionally challenging, especially if you are not on good terms. Make sure you are comfortable with the idea of seeing each other regularly and sharing the same space.
  • Can you afford it? Bird-nesting can become expensive, especially if you each book hotels or other short-stay accommodation each week. Make sure you have a clear budget before deciding on this option, and if it looks like a longer-term arrangement, consider renting a shared apartment.
  • Are you willing to be flexible? Bird-nesting requires a lot of flexibility, as you will need to be able to adjust your schedule and routines to accommodate the other parent’s time in the house. Make sure you are willing to make sacrifices and be flexible.

Bird-nesting tips

There are a few ways you can set yourselves up for nesting success.

  1. Communicate your expectations, preferences and boundaries: Make sure you share what you expect from your ex for nesting to be a viable option for your family, and be respectful of their needs too.
  2. Decide on some ground rules for your family interactions: Some separated parents will continue to have dinner together once per week in the family home, and others will pass by each other in the hallway when the other comes home. Be sure you both feel comfortable with your level of contact.
  3. Create a schedule: Having a schedule can help ensure that everything runs smoothly and that everyone knows what to expect. This could include a schedule for each parent’s time in the house and a schedule for activities and chores.
  4. Involve your children: If it’s age-appropriate, make sure to involve your children in the decision-making process and consider their needs and preferences. It’s important to make sure they are comfortable with the arrangement and that it is not causing them undue stress.
  5. Have a backup plan: It’s always a good idea to have a backup plan in case something unexpected arises. For example, if one parent gets sick and can’t stay in the house, you’ll need to have a plan in place for how to handle the situation.
  6. Seek support: Bird-nesting can be emotionally challenging, so it’s important to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if you need it.

When is bird-nesting not appropriate?

Generally, nesting is more appropriate where the separation is amicable and should always be considered on a case-by-case basis. Nesting is not appropriate in some circumstances, particularly where there is any family violence.

Ultimately, bird-nesting is not for everyone. It requires a lot of cooperation and communication and can be emotionally and financially challenging. But for some separated couples, it can be a great way to co-parent their children and maintain a sense of stability for the family. Weigh the pros and cons and make sure nesting is the right choice for your family.

The Separation Guide aims to make separation and divorce simpler, more manageable and less stressful. To find out more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free 3-minute Q&A.

Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.

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Role of a Financial Advisor in the separation process

The Separation Guide team spoke with one of our Network Members, Kylie Harding from Morgans Financial, to discuss the very important role of a financial advisor in the separation process. Through our discussion we understood that while an accountant can help to establish the monetary value of assets and income streams in the relationship, a financial advisor will take a more broad approach to help guide and support clients going through significant change and/ or issues in their life.

1. How can a financial advisor benefit someone early on in the divorce process?

One of the key roles of a financial advisor is to guide clients through major life changes. Advising someone who’s going through divorce can help them gain a better understanding of their cash flow, expenses and their assets and liabilities. Making sure both are aware of what is in question to split and assist both parties to recognise what is a fair share. For separating/ divorced/ newly single parents, it’s important for them to create a financial plan early on – to ensure that all the family’s needs are met.

2. What practical steps can people take to help them get more equipped?

It’s important for a couple/client to understand the potential financial impact of divorce on themselves and their children. They need to consider the answers to the following questions: Who will stay in the home? Who will have access to which assets? Who will cover house-related expenses like the mortgage and utilities? Will there be sufficient cash flow for the spouse who has the primary custody? Are there any pre and post divorce tax issues they should be aware of and are there ways to plan around them? How will joint savings be divided? How will you deal with any taxes?

3. Are there any tips to support primary caregivers who may not be earning their pre-children salary and want to manage their money effectively? Anything we might not know about?

Beyond divorce a financial advisor can help their clients formulate a financial plan for themselves as a single person, depending on their circumstances. This is very important, especially for women who may not have been highly involved in the finances during their marriage. With the proper guidance and understanding, a newly single person can have the confidence to start anew and take control of his/her financial future.

4. What are the main financial goals you notice people have when divorcing? How does this differ across different age brackets/ socio-economic groups?

I have found a common financial goal of couples divorcing is that they want to be able to maintain their pre-divorce lifestyle, especially the children’s, but that isn’t always achievable due to the new circumstances.

For younger couples, financial goals differ because there are children involved. There are more expenses to cover like child support, education, healthcare, insurance and retirement savings. Luckily for them, they are more capable of earning and have a longer period of time to prepare for their retirement.
Younger divorcees are more focused on rebuilding their financial house like paying off debts, providing for their children’s needs and establishing their retirement savings.

For more senior couples who are separating, they may find themselves in a more complex financial situation than younger couples. Their earning capacity may be behind them and opportunities to rebuild their wealth are limited compared to those who have a long career ahead of them.

Older couples’ main goal is to have an income stream they can live off for the next 20 to 30 years. That’s why liquidating their assets helps them avoid being cash poor in their retirement years.

5. What special things do divorced women need to do to consider life after divorce, to save for retirement and plan for their future? What is the path to help them get there?

While it’s clear women who divorce have financial goals – many don’t have a clear path on how to achieve them. With women living longer, one of their top priorities after divorce should be saving for retirement. Having a financial advisor is important for long-term financial planning as it provides some clarity around what is required to achieve future goals. Things that one can consider including regularly include: tracking expenses, reviewing income, budgeting and tax planning. Changes in estate plans are also extremely important, wills and as well as beneficiaries on retirement accounts and life insurance policies all need attention and update after divorce.

Kylie Harding is a Financial Advisor and authorised Network Member of The Separation Guide. Please note that Kylie was previously known by her married name Kylie MacDonald.

You can use our calculator to help you identify assets and liabilities that need to be considered in your separation.

 

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Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional adviser if you need support with your legal, financial or wellbeing needs.