Listen: Separation Stories – Beyond the Script: Love, Identity and Life After Marriage with Aubrey Blanche

Podcast Transcript: Radical Intentionality and Post-Traumatic Growth

Host: Sabina Read
Guest: Aubrey Blanche (Director of Ethical Advisory)

Sabina Read: All right, off we go. Aubrey, you have navigated separation twice now, both within same-sex marriages. But before we dive into the themes for today’s pod, I wanted to check in on you. How are you arriving in this space today?

Aubrey Blanche: You know, I think if you described the year I’ve had, everyone would be a bit worried about me, but I’m actually doing really, really well. In the last six months, I’ve left a long-time role and made the decision to end a marriage. The thing for me is that I have practised going through big transitions. I’m a big believer in the research around positive psychology—specifically, the things you can do to actualise post-traumatic growth rather than post-traumatic stress. I’ve been leaning into that, and it turns out it’s a very effective strategy.

Sabina Read: Which of those strategies has been most useful?

Aubrey Blanche: The idea that you can have a mindset where trauma or difficulty becomes a catalyst for growth. I’ve had a series of traumatic things happen in my life, and I’ve been lucky enough to have the support to come out of them stronger. I also intentionally took a sabbatical and some downtime. I am a big believer in feeling your “heart emotions,” so I literally schedule “cry time.” Over the last six months, if an emotion comes up that doesn’t align with my schedule, I reorganise my day to let myself be human.

It’s also about sitting down and reflecting on what is true about me today, what I want in my life, and how I can put more of those good things in. You have to ensure that while difficult transitions are happening, you keep enough stable, good things in your perspective so you don’t feel like everything is crumbling.

Sabina Read: You’ve mentioned before that you never expected to be married once, let alone twice. How did this separation compare to the first one?

Aubrey Blanche: I never grew up with marriage as a goal. I tend to have a clinical, “contractual” view of it, whereas I have a very different attitude towards long-term partnership. In both cases, marriage was a formality. My first partner felt strongly about it, so I said okay, but that relationship was fundamentally unhealthy for me.
In my second marriage—to someone I deeply care about—the impetus was practical; moving to Australia and needing visas. The commonality was a lack of compatibility that emerged over time. The first divorce was very difficult and contentious. In this case, there isn’t that day-to-day friction. It’s just the “sads” that come when someone you love no longer fits your life’s orientation.

Sabina Read: Did you discuss those first marriage hurdles before entering the second?

Aubrey Blanche: Yes. After my first marriage, I did intense therapy to address abandonment issues and developmental trauma. I feel convicted that the issues in my second marriage were fundamentally different. In the first, I was so desperate to be loved that I picked someone who was just there rather than someone with long-term compatibility. In the second, our visions of life simply diverged. It wasn’t that someone was wrong; it just wasn’t reconcilable. I like to say I made “creative and innovative” mistakes the second time around!

Sabina Read: You’ve talked a lot about compatibility. What does it look like when it’s working well?

Aubrey Blanche: Each person must have a clear articulation of their own values. They don’t have to be identical, but they must be compatible. I have what I call my “Marty Ginsburg list”—a list of non-negotiable must-haves. It’s only five things because humans are imperfect.

The mistake I made was not having an “Anti-Marty Ginsburg list”—a list of deal-breakers. I didn’t have the self-insight at the time to communicate those things. For example, on my “must-have” list, I need a partner to have their own passion—something in their life, like a job or hobby, that excites them. I also need them to be relentless about self-reflection and personal growth.

On the “deal-breaker” side, I’ve realised I cannot do “enmeshment.” I need my partner to have their own social circles and hobbies. I want a full, independent person.

Sabina Read: Did you share these lists while dating?

Aubrey Blanche: Absolutely. After my first breakup, I took a year off dating to get clear on my priorities. I used the list as a tool for conversation with anyone I was serious about. It wasn’t a rigid checklist, but a way to ask: “Are these the kinds of things you’re on board with? Am I the kind of person who can be the partner you are looking for?” As I’ve hit 37, my life is more set, so being open about priorities and boundaries is even more critical.

Sabina Read: How does the “oxytocin love bubble” impact these lists?

Aubrey Blanche: That’s why you must make your list absent of any human stimuli! I worked with my therapist for a year to distill my list down to its essence. In non-normative or queer relationships, people are actually more likely to have these intentional conversations. In straight relationships, there often isn’t the infrastructure or norm for those explicit discussions.

Sabina Read: Does queer separation have a unique “flavour” to it compared to heteronormative divorce?

Aubrey Blanche: Definitely. There is a specific stigma around “letting the community down.” We fought so hard for the right to marry, and you feel like you’ve messed it up. No one puts that weight on you explicitly, but it lives in the back of your head. I remember the victory of 2015 so viscerally. There’s an almost felt obligation to take marriage seriously because of that struggle. I’m not sure straight people feel that specific flavour of stigma.

Sabina Read: What role did “chosen family” play in supporting you?

Aubrey Blanche: My queer family in Sydney was incredible, particularly in helping me with the decision to end the relationship. In the queer community, we are used to thinking outside the social script. My friends listened, affirmed me, but didn’t tell me what to do. They reminded me that there are always multiple paths through a crisis. I also have a group of friends with very high ethical standards who held me accountable to my own integrity throughout the process. I trust them to tell me when I’m being a “s***.”

Sabina Read: How did you navigate boundaries in a close-knit community where you share friends with your ex?

Aubrey Blanche: I believe in having an independent community. For “co-friends,” I had explicit conversations. I told them, “I need support, but you aren’t the person I’m going to for it because I don’t want to put you in the middle.” I also told them, “My former partner probably needs a friend right now, but please don’t report back to me.” You have to be proactive. If we were both invited to an event, I would reach out and say, “I’m happy to step back if you want that space.”

Sabina Read: It sounds like your “non-negotiable” for independent lives has only got louder.

Aubrey Blanche: It has. After my first divorce, I realised I was anxiously attached and prone to codependency. I spent a lot of time working on that and learning to manage my triggers. My natural tendency is enmeshment, but I’ve learned that deep integration isn’t healthy for me or the relationship.

Sabina Read: Do you feel your attachment style has changed?

Aubrey Blanche: I do. I’m now a pretty securely attached person. I’ve dealt with my childhood trauma through somatic work and therapy. I also use “adult friend proposals”—gaining explicit consent to continue a relationship. I’ve also found “relationship anarchy” helpful. It’s a philosophy that gets rid of prescribed scripts. It allows you to construct a relationship that works for both people, decoupling things like sex, friendship, and financial entanglement. It helps my anxiety because I know exactly what I’m getting out of a relationship with a person.

Sabina Read: How do you handle avoidant styles?

Aubrey Blanche: I stay frank and direct. That freaks some people out, and those people tend not to want to be in a close relationship with me, which is fine! There’s also a difference between being avoidant and just having ADHD. For example, if I haven’t seen you, you might not be in my mind for two months, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just have executive functioning issues. Being able to explain that is part of clear communication.

Sabina Read: From a DEI perspective, how can managers support employees going through a queer separation?

Aubrey Blanche: Start by asking: “What do you need from me right now?” Don’t make assumptions. In queer separations, things like domestic violence are often under-reported or not believed, so creating a safe space is vital. A manager should also set boundaries. I’ve had to tell employees, “I’m happy to listen and support you as an employer, but I am not a therapist.” You can be compassionate while being clear about your role.

Sabina Read: You mentioned you are 37 and considering freezing your eggs. How has that affected your journey?

Aubrey Blanche: I spent most of my life thinking I didn’t want to be a parent because of my own abandonment trauma. In my 30s, I changed my mind. My former spouse and I had decided not to have kids for various reasons, but now that I’m separated, I want “insurance.” I don’t want to be a single parent, but I want to keep my options open. 37 isn’t a “spring chicken” biologically, so I’m giving myself possibilities. It’s a way to kick the decision down the road while I imagine all the different ways I could be an adult figure for the next generation—like being the best “auntie” or a stepparent. meander down the path of possibility.

Sabina Read: You seem to have more hope this time than after your first divorce.

Aubrey Blanche: After my first divorce, I thought my life was over at 30. Now, I know I have a ton of life left. I’m taking this year as an “emotional cooling-off period.” I’m not making major life-altering decisions; I’m just doing things that bring me joy.

Sabina Read: Intentionality seems to be your keyword.

Aubrey Blanche: Thank you. I consider myself lucky, but intentionality ensures you’re ready for the luck when it happens. I didn’t get here alone; I’m a collection of the inputs from my therapists, healers, and my parents. To anyone struggling: don’t isolate. Lean into a small community that helps you be the person you want to be.

Sabina Read: How do you handle the “shame monster” of a second divorce?

Aubrey Blanche: I use CBT. Every time a shamey thought comes in, I notice it. I ask myself, “Who is actually judging you?” Usually, the answer is “no one.” Then I ask, “Would I judge someone else for this?” The answer is “no.” I’m reframing my mistakes as “new and creative” lessons.
Sabina Read: What is your advice for those wondering whether to stay or go?

Aubrey Blanche: There is a big, bright world on the other side, but you have to do the work to find it. Get clear on whether your problems are “irreconcilable.” My decision took eight months. Ask: Is the problem resolvable, and are both partners actively doing the work? If not, it’s hard to stay.

Sabina Read: Any final message of hope?
Aubrey Blanche: It’s easy to feel you’ve lost the love of your life. But I remind myself: “You haven’t met all the people who are going to love you yet.” Love isn’t like pie; if someone takes a slice, there isn’t less for you. It’s abundant.

Sabina Read: Aubrey, you shine so brightly. Thank you for your wisdom and for being so inspiring.

Aubrey Blanche: Thank you for having me. I hope talking about this helps at least one person feel less alone.